# Gracefully saying no Two of the most powerful words in the English language: Yes and No. When we first start out on the journey of life, it is often rewarding and fun to say yes to everything (or at least most things). Yes to new friends, new adventures, new experiences, new jobs, new responsibilities, new opportunities, new anythings and everythings. And it should be that way because in the beginning we haven't yet tasted the variety of life. After some time we grow, learn, get hurt, get back up, and figure out more about ourselves and our preferences. We know what's going to gel with us and what simply doesn't. One day, that urge to say yes to everything suddenly loses its appeal. It becomes increasingly clear that saying yes to one thing actually means saying no to many other things. We have limited resources chasing [[Infinite games|infinite opportunities]]. That's a fact of life. As we mature, we realize it is our sacred duty to choose very carefully what we say yes to, defaulting the rest to no. It's a huge mindset shift for us to make. One of the hardest parts of this change in our lives is how that affects the people around us. When we're younger, it is much easier to justify wasting the good part of an afternoon with people we're "meh" about or have just met. Later on, that means losing precious time with loved ones who are all busy with their own lives. The opportunity costs and tradeoffs become more painful. The stakes feel like they get higher, and most of us are not naturally equipped with the skillset of gracefully saying no and setting boundaries without damaging our reputation; that's the bad news. The good news is we can learn, and the fact is we must. A role model power couple I love, Leila & Alex Hormozi, talk about how important it is we learn to say no early on, sharing the concept that as we grow as people, the opportunities we must say no to get better and better. The only way to stay on our trajectory is to get better and better at saying no to these increasingly wonderful options. How? Let's look at a few ways. Maybe you can mix and match them or just take what you want and build from it. There are no right or wrong ways, just suggestions for how you can think about approaching it. # Brutal honesty This one may be hard for most people, but at the end of the day it is the most respectful of everyone. Let's face it - you and everybody else have a short number of hours left on this planet to exist. There is no glory to be found in wasting it doing something you don't want to be doing. If you cave and say yes to something you don't want to do, especially if it is because you feel guilty about saying no to someone, you will end up resenting the other person and they won't get the experience they're looking for either. It's a lose lose. Maybe in school or our younger days it is acceptable, but once you become an adult, you do not have a minute to waste on doing things you know aren't right for you. Here's how to tell them. **For entrepreneurs, businesspeople, busy people, or folks otherwise engaged in something (even if it may not seem important to anyone else like if you're playing video games or painting a picture for goods):** *I'm sorry to have to say no, but at this moment I've got to stay focused on what I'm working on. Thank you for understanding.* You're being honest, and you're not being cruel. There's no wiggle room, it is clear. **For everyone else who simply doesn't want to do the thing or spend time with the person:** *Sorry, I won't be able to do it. Thank you for thinking of me.* Again, honesty and kindness. You're not creating a bullshit reason which everybody can smell from a mile away to be "polite" which is fake and actually the opposite of polite because nobody is fooled and it's an insult to their intelligence. It is simply declining the invitation and keeping their feelings in tact. # Substitution Some of us are asked to do things like speaking engagements, interviews, the dreaded collab (C & J I can hear y'all laughing. IYKYK), events, joint ventures, or other things in our professional lives where people mostly want to use our reputation or borrow our audience or platform or reach or something else of that vein. At times it can be worth it, and I'm personally a total sucker for a good interview. After having done so many as host it is nice to jump on the other side of the mic. Be that as it may, at some point the time needed to perform those obligations is not worth it for you in your career. Once we reach that moment, we need to be more like Elsa and "let it goooooooooooooooooooooooooo. let it goooooooooohooooooooooooo." If you don't want to be brutally honest like above, you can always recommend somebody else for the gig. This can have a 3 for 1 positive benefit for you: you get to not do it, you make the asker happy because they may not have gotten you but they have the chance to get someone else suggested by you, and the friend you're subbing in for you may love the opportunity they didn't have to go out and find themselves. The key is to have a few relationships with key subs like that where you've discussed it with them beforehand so they know you'll be sending intros their way. I would suggest NOT sending an intro to them out of the blue without talking to them first. It's not a class act. Here's how I might wordsmith it: *Hi >name<, I'm so grateful for the invitation. Unfortunately, I'm not able to do this, but I'd be happy to recommend >name< instead. They are as qualified if not more so than me for this opportunity. Let me know, and I'm happy to make an >email/insta/text/pigeon/etc< introduction. Thanks again for thinking of me.* Cordial, no bullshit reasons, and now they're so excited about this mystery guest you've recommended to take your place it wouldn't even occur to them to have their feelings hurt you're saying no. Win-win-win. # Let them save face I would only use this one when it is true, but sometimes you're legitimately too slammed to do the thing you're being asked to do even though you want to do it. My grandfather always required 8 weeks prior notice before any speaking engagement so he could prepare his presentation for the event. If this applies to you, simply tell them the hard truth: *I so very much would love to do this, but unfortunately I do not have the time I need to prepare. I value our relationship too much to bring anything less than my best work. I'm flattered that you would think of me, but sadly I must decline. Next time, I would be thrilled to participate. If you'd like me to, would you please let me know >time< in advance? I can't wait!* # Final thoughts These three examples are easy ones to use for any situation you may encounter. The biggest trap people fall into is feeling like you have to give this mighty reason which will make everything fine and get them off your back. It's not the move. You can (and should) say no when you want and/or need to say no. You do not need a reason to say no. Even if you have one, you have no responsibility to share it. That is your private business, and it is to be kept that way unless you deem it absolutely necessary to share it under your conditions. Mature adults will respect your honesty. It saves everyone time, and they can move on to ask the next person on their list. If you promptly and respectfully acknowledge and respond to their request, and they take it personally or get weird about it, that says more about them then it does about you. Get to the point, let them know ASAP, and move on. The grace is in the integrity of being honest and emotionally healthy about it. Yes it can be uncomfortable the first few times you do it. There may be a chorus of insecurity dancing across your brain. We are hardwired as humans to please others to remain a part of the tribe. We seek safety, and declining or rejecting others can feel unsafe at first or like a betrayal. But that's just fear lying to us. The real betrayal is stringing people along, taking a long time to answer, or giving phony reasons for doing things. It is a betrayal of yourself. You are the most important person in your life. You must advocate for yourself, say no when you need to say no, and grow to love it. Each little no gives you that much time, energy, focus, and resource to invest into your big yes. Don't die by a thousand cuts of tiny yeses. Clean out the responsibilities and things in your life which aren't helping you get to where YOU really want to go. That way, when the opportunity arises that you've always been waiting for, you can pounce on it with the power of your entire being. The no's leading up to the big yes are the building blocks for your future. And you're worth it.