# The art of asking for what you want It appears to be a bit of a conundrum. When to ask, when not to ask? To be or not to be? On the one hand, if you never ask for what you want, chances are you're never going to get it. Other people are not mind readers, and everyone is mostly thinking about themselves, their problems, pains, hopes and responsibilities. It's just not practical or effective to bank on others sensing what you want / need. Asking is critical. On the other hand, asking too much, whether it be in frequency or size or both, will eventually lead to relationship decay. People will avoid you, stop answering your calls, and think of you as THAT person. You will become a social *pariah* and lonely. We seem to be facing a goldilocks situation where we don't want to ask too much and we can't ask too little, it must be just right. What qualifies as just right in this scenario? I'd opine there are a few variables at play: your relationship status with the person or group you're making the ask of, how long it's been since you asked something, the nature of the ask, the way you ask, and probably some luck. Let's look at each one. # Relationship Probably the most important is your relationship. There is an analogy of social currency I find extremely helpful. If that relationship is a bank account, have you been depositing or withdrawing goodwill? Did you just help them move? Deposit. Did you just borrow money from them? Withdrawal (in more ways than one). Think about where you stand, and whether or not you need to do a bit more for them before it would be reasonable to make your ask. A note here - it can be easy to fall into a cold or transactional mode of dealing with people if you stick too hard to the social bank account analogy. It's a useful mental model but if you're only thinking about people in terms of what you need to do in order to get something out of them, life loses a lot of color. A good rule of thumb for me is to always be giving value to others over time so that whenever you do have the need to ask, you don't even have to think twice. Anyways, the better your relationship with the other, the more likely it is that they will help you out. # Duration Next is duration since last ask. This one is pretty simple at first glance - if it has been too short of a time since you've last asked, you're probably hurting your chances of a yes by asking now. Too short is obvious. If someone just helped you move into a new house, and the next weekend you're asking the same person to help you with renovations and yard work, you might be pushing it with them. I'd try to ask a different person to help with those two things, or if you must ask the same person, bundle your ask in the beginning so they can plan ahead and understand the full commitment from the beginning. Don't spring it on them last minute. On the flip side, don't wait too long to interact with someone either. If your friend hasn't heard from you in five years, and out of the blue you reach out asking for a favor, it's not a good look. Even if you just remember birthdays and every once in a while check up on folks, you'll be surprised how far that thoughtfulness can go. # Nature Third variable is the nature of the ask - how big or small. Obviously the bigger the ask the more difficult to get a yes, right? Maybe not. Sometimes, depending on the other party or how difficult it is for them to interrupt their flow of daily life, the only time to make the ask is when it's a big one. For example, if your Aunt or Uncle is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you may not want to call in favors unless it is absolutely necessary. That person is extremely busy, and their time is literally worth millions of dollars. I wouldn't ask them for help with the small stuff. It takes so much effort for them to carve out time, it better be worth it before you ask in my opinion. Other times, you may only have one shot at asking for a favor from someone, and you need to make it count. Knowing who you're asking for what is a part of the game. Choose wisely. # Method The fourth variable is the way you ask. I've found that word choice is important. I always do my best to show respect to people in general, but especially to the person I'm asking from. Instead of criticizing them or being rude, courtesy and good manners go far here, as well as thinking about it in terms of that the other person wants. The book *How to Win Friends & Influence People* goes deep into this idea of thinking about it from the other person's perspective. As much as you can, try to align your ask with what the other person wants too. Not always is this possible, but even when it's not, recognizing their interests, needs and wants is a powerful gesture. Maybe you need help from a diehard sports fan during a big game? Acknowledging the sacrifice they would be making and maybe offering them tickets to the next game or even a small, personalized token of your appreciation related to that team could be a powerful gesture and let them know you care. It will also increase the chances they say yes and make them feel better about it. Timing is also a big part of how you ask. Psychologically speaking, the best times to get a yes are typically the morning and right after lunch. People get more irritable as the days grows longer. They are tired, hungry, and not in an ideal state to say yes or be friendly. Asking after good news can also work well. The caveat is to let people have their moments. If the person is a lawyer, for example, and just won a big case, I wouldn't make the ask that night when a group is out to celebrate them. Wait until at least the next day. When you're out partying with your friends, or they are in the middle of a crisis or something super important, give them some space. Don't kill the vibe or pile on to their suffering if at all possible. # Luck The last variable is luck. Sometimes the dice are going to fall a certain way. You can do everything right and not get it or everything wrong and still squeak out a yes. Learning how to ask and practicing that skillset is something every human being is still working on. It will take time, as all skills do, to get really good and develop. Trying to avoid the big mistake will probably get your further than working on becoming an ultra suave manipulation expert. Put yourself in their shoes, and I'm sure it will all work out fine as long as you muster the courage to just ask. # One last thing To me, building and preserving relationships is the goal. I'd rather, in most cases, not go for the immediate ask if I can help it and build as much social currency as possible. I've found people are more willing to help me because they know I care about them as humans and trust me to only make an ask if I really need to. I've found that the more I can love on people and do right by them, the easier it is to muster the courage to ask. By the same token, it is critical to ask for what you want and need. Too many people sit idly by while their dreams slip out of reach because they just never made the few asks they needed to make. You don't want to be that person. You are probably only 100 asks away from permanently changing your life for the better forever. You got this. How you approach this may be completely different, and I'm excited to learn from what works for you!